Social Work Today E-Zine

What should a family understand if a child or relative chooses to disclose their sexual orientation during the annual holiday gathering or decides to reveal more about his/her experiences as a gay or lesbian person? Rather than see the news as a ‘bombshell,’ perhaps they should view it as an unexpected gift, says psychologist Robert-Jay Green, PhD. Green is executive director of the Rockway Institute, a national center for science and LGBT public policy at the California School of Professional Psychology, a part of Alliant International University in San Francisco.

Green has conducted original research into the motivations and experiences of gay men as they “come out” to their families, and can draw upon more than 30 years experience as a psychologist in private practice, professor, and researcher to discuss the dynamics of such disclosures for gays and lesbians—and their families.

Among his observations:

• While initial reaction to the news from approximately two thirds of parents is negative, his research shows that, over time, about half of the families experience improved relationships. Another 40% see little change.

• Because males in our culture have the greatest difficulty accepting homosexuality, fathers are often the last in the family to be told. But ironically, the disclosure that a son is gay is likely to have the most positive effect on the father-son relationship over time than on any other relationship in the family.

• While activists tend to encourage all lesbians and gays to ‘come out’ to their families for political reasons, this is not always the best choice for personal or family reasons. A decision not to disclose can be a healthy choice for lesbian/gay people in families where the disclosure could lead to violence, irreconcilable conflict, or to withdrawal of essential economic or other instrumental/emotional support.

• For many lesbians and gay men, ‘coming out’ is an affirmation of self and a signal to relatives that the person values family relationships and wants to honestly share all of his/her life with loved ones. Family members can be helped to view the lesbian/gay person’s act of coming out as a ‘gift’ in which the person shares a significant part of him or herself that has been kept concealed.

• Coming-out is just one step in a much longer journey of being-out. A crucial question for family relations is what happens after the initial disclosure. Too often, the family becomes “frozen-in-time” after the initial coming-out experience, with too few efforts at mutual understanding between family members afterwards.

— Source: Alliant International University